Honey,

This was horrible. What was I meant to do? I just wanted to give this up now. I mean why won’t she just leave me alone? She completely wrecked my sixteenth birthday and is now wrecking my sleep and my thoughts. All I can think of is that I really want to go out and get drunk or even high. I’ve only ever got high once and I hated it but I remember the feeling of forgetfulness and relish the fact that I could feel that once again. I know this seems weird because drinking and drugs are Gerard’s things. Not mine but you would be shocked at what geeks like me get up to when we need to escape the real world.  I started pacing in my room trying to think of what to do. I have to tell Gerard what upset me and he will not be impressed. At all. I walked pass my mirror and took a look at my reflection. It was something I hated. I was lanky with mouse brown hair and nerdy glasses. I had huge teeth. I sometimes wished I would look like Gerard. He had now lost all of his puppy fat and had black hair. It sucked. I was the complete opposite of vain.

Why? Why did I have to look like this? It’s so stupid. I hate it. Pounding my fists against the mirror I tried to break it. Tried to break the thing that showed me for what I really was. Once I smashed it I felt the warm blood trickle down my arm. Why was I doing this to myself? She was making me punish myself for something that I hadn’t done. She made me go crazy. For her and then because of her. I couldn’t stay. It was too hard to be with her. The things she said when I was with her hurt so much. The things she did hurt too. Would it have been easier for me to stay with her? I don’t know. I just don’t know.  I was so confused I fell to the floor cradling my hand. She arrived at my party asking me to let her in and now she is in my heart asking the same thing. What can I do? I can’t let her back in. She’ll fuck me up again. It’s funny. I want to go and get fucked off my face to spite her, yet it was she who got me into that lifestyle.  Funny how those things work.

I had to choose. A life with her this meant a life of drug taking and pain or this one. Yes I chose this one. No I don’t make as many friends but I know I’m safe. I know that I am actually loved in this lifestyle. I only have one close friend and my family but they all love me. I know that because I will never forget Gerard’s face that night that I came home after being with her. He was heartbroken. He hated her for what she did to me. That was when I had to make the choice and that was when I chose this one.  Choosing this life changed me. I couldn’t tell Gerard why I was with that girl. I was with her because she made me feel like I was loved and as though there was someone out there for me. When I wasn’t with her I felt ugly and uncared for. I felt alone. When we broke up Gerard was constantly asking me why I had changed and what was wrong. How could I tell him that without her I felt insecure? I couldn’t. So now I’m stuck in this life. Pretending that I can see my beauty but really I can’t. I’m pretending.  The falseness of this life is letting me live like a happy person. A person who knows what is going on and a person who cares. By faking that I can see my inner beauty people think I’m myself again. I suppose that’s all that matters.

Because of her and the way I changed when I was with her, people don’t trust me and that means they speak to me in such a patronising manner. I hate that so much. It’s so shard for me to stay calm and stay in the room with them. I hate it. That’s why I’m scared of telling Gerard these things. He hates her and he doesn’t patronise me but he does get angry. I can’t have that. I know that I should tell him about her turning up last night but I really don’t want to. Thinking all these things is making me cry. I mean really cry and thinking about me crying reminds me of how she used to cry. I remember thinking at the time that she was only upset because she had lost another sap to steal money from but seeing her yesterday made me think that she was actually crying because of something else. She wanted us to get back together and I didn’t. We didn’t work out the first time so what makes her think we would work out a second time. We wouldn’t. I know that we wouldn’t and I wasn’t prepared to put myself through that. She got down on bended knees and she promised that she would quit and put everything into us, into me, but I still couldn’t do it. It hurts that I turned her down. I suppose I still love her in a way but to be honest I wouldn’t have been able to cope.

I hate that I still love her because I will never forget how she treated Gerard and what she did to him. She tried to hurt him to get me back and she thought it might help. It wasn’t physical the pain but it was enough to make me angry with her. She just played around with his emotions. For all I know I might get back with her and she could do it again. She is not touching my brother again. Worse than that, she took my friends. I only had a few and she took them and turned them into druggies and turned them against me. What was I meant to do? I thought she was a good person. How can you stop someone like that?  I have made the same mistake over and over again. I always tell her that it won’t happen but then we always get back together. It’s not right. But this time I really mean it. I’ve seen it so many times that I can’t possibly say yes, can I?

It was a shock. How can I say it wasn’t? Seeing her arrive at my party like she was. I mean she was in such a state. The news I had heard was that she had a new boyfriend and that he was abusing her. Thing was it showed. I think she might have a problem telling the police though. They never believe cocaine addicts. They will say she got beaten up in a drug war. It probably was if I’m honest. I hope it’s all a mistake. I mean I still love her slightly. It hurts. Was the choice I made last night wrong? If I had gone back to her would I have saved her? Was the choice right? I don’t know. For me the choice was right but is that selfish to think? I don’t know. I chose this life. It’s all about choices. I know it sucks because I have no idea if my choices are good or not and some of them inhibit my ability to meet new people or be who I want but I suppose that I may have to get over that. Sometimes living in this heartless world fucks with my head but I get used to that. I mean she taught me that.

I can’t let her back in. She messed with me she tried to hurt and keep Gerard and she completely fucked my friends. She isn’t coming back. No matter how hard she tried. No matter how much she cried it’s just going to be Gerard and me. I don’t need her. I could hear the knocking on my door and the fear started to constrict into my stomach. What was I going to do? What if it’s her?
“Go away. I don’t want you here.”
“Mikey. It’s Gerard. We need to talk remember.”  I remembered.
“Okay.” I took a deep breath and stood up.
“What was wrong yesterday?”
“It was Rebecca.”
“Shit what about her.”
“She… she… she turned up at my party.” I could feel my chest tightening and my breathing becoming heavier. I could feel the tears streaming down my face and then black. Just blackness.